I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
