how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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