my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
