I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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