remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
that's an acceptable place to lick
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
