my vag is so smooth its legendary
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
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