all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
