Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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