I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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