I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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