Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
