If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
