If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
