When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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