Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
