My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
