How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
