I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
