There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
