the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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