Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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