Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
