If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
