for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
