i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
