you have to choose: penises or morals?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
