I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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