So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
