i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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