Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
