Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
