I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
