I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
