Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
