non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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