I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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