I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
