um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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