when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
