i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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