I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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