life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i now understand why vodka
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
