I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
