You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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