sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
