Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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