Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
