Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
