What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
