Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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