Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
