I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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